Surrendered in Praise.

She is almost three months, and I am finally taking some time to write down the memories we have shared in this short time. I never fully understand how time seems to vanish before your eyes when you have little ones.

I really don't think I have had a more content baby as she has been. Micah was very content as well, so maybe they are tied for the title around here.

The picture above is the day after we brought her home from the hospital. She was just as content then as she is now- a HUGE blessing!

I never wrote or expressed in words describing how labor/delivery went with her. So many times I would begin to write only to feel overwhelmed with the task of putting such grace into human words. She was obviously my fifth, so by now I had experience all different labors/deliveries. And, they are just that. Very different.

In fact, I think the story starts well before her own story. I guess you could say it started with Cassidy making her entrance into the world. It was a shocking one. Less than an hour of active labor (with no meds) and a full 6 months of recovery. 6 months! To put it bluntly, the doctor describe her basically as "tearing right out of me." That doesn't even sound as painful as it was. I know everyone has their own stories, so let's just say that it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced up until that time. The recovery was just as difficult. Also, a stretching time in our marriage because I was in so much pain for so many months!

Fast forward 10 months later when I first found out I was pregnancy again with Dakota. I was terrified. First of all, I was realizing how difficult it was to be a mother of three with each passing day, and I was TERRIFIED of labor and delivery. I started pleading with God. Day after day. I prayed for mercy, strength and grace as my body was obviously becoming more and more weary. At one point in time I honestly remember (with the help of a dear sister) praying for laughter and joy during labor and delivery. Laughter! Who would have guessed that the Lord would answer EVERY single prayer that I prayed for Dakota's delivery. Even the prayer for laughter. With no meds once again I found myself in transition literally making jokes with a smile on my face! I will also be the first to say that it had nothing to do with my faith because I was shaking in my boots walking into the hospital. Even If I did have any faith I know I lost it when the nurse looked at me and said, "there's no way your in labor, honey. You look too happy." Doubt settles in quickly with me.

I will stop here and answer everyone who always asks me, "So why don't you just get an epidural?" That has been asked of me at least a dozen times and honestly, I can't even give a very concrete answer, so I will break it down the best I can. For starters I am cheap. Seriously. I hate spending money on something that will only last an hour or so. I tend to be the kind of person who will break it down quickly realizing how much I am paying for that per minute. I know. I am lame.

The second and greatest reason is hard to explain. It is very personal. Part of me wants to place myself out there to grow with my Father. He clearly showed me that going through labor and delivery naturally is a sure chance for me to grow...to Grow in my faith (what little I have!) and grow in my prayer life. I also always felt the urge to meet my Savior during this time because I knew He was the Creator of this process, so who would be better to cling to for relief during those moments?

Fast forward again another 10 months when I find out I am pregnant with sweet Adelynn. I have seriously became stretched to my human limits and found myself exhausted on a daily basis. During the last trimester with her, my prayer life became so very basic. Simple words like, "Lord help me." became the common prayer just to get out of bed every day. I was exhausted. I literally had no words to pray. I neglected intimate moments in prayer and lacked any kind of specific request before my Father. I really just wanted to sleep. I was simply worn out. The summer before her arrival Greg and I helped to start up a local school, Caitlyn began her first year there and our plates were more full than ever.

By the end of the pregnancy I began to wonder if she was ever going to come!

On March 30, though, the day seemed closer than ever. I was having pretty good contractions, although I would have to keep walking to keep them coming- I think I walked at least 8 miles that day. Greg finally convinced me that it was time to go to the hospital. I was hesitant. Fear began to kick in once again. Fear if I could make it through. And, all of a sudden I felt very ill-prepared as far as praying and lifting up my concerns to my heavenly Father.

So, we were off to the hospital and I only had ONE contraction the whole way there. I convinced Greg that I wanted to walk around for awhile to see if they would pick back up. Even when they didn't pick up very quickly, he still convinced me that we should just go in.

We met my mid-wife in the hallway and once again she greeted me with, "You don't look like you are in labor. You look too happy." Familiar words that for whatever reason cause doubt to creep in my mind. For some reason I hate the unknown, and walking into the hospital only to find out that I am not even dilated would seriously discourage me!

She met me back in my room to quickly discover that I was in labor and we would soon be meeting our little girl. The battle began in my mind, "Was I going to be able to do this once again?" Music always helps me through hard times, so I began to sort through some new songs that I got on my i pod. In fact, that is where I came up with the title of our new blog. "Surrendered in Praise" is the title of a Jeremy Riddle song and in those moments it ministered to me.

This is the part that I seriously wonder how I even put on paper. During the Labor before with Dakota, my Savior provided me with so much grace literally covering the pain. I had seriously slim to none pain with Dakota.

This one was very different. Painful. Stuck in transition painful.

But there was grace beyond measure. I met my Savior there in a way I have never met Him before. It started with the lyrics to that song. It is a cry that no matter what situation we find ourselves in, that our Savior would steal our gaze from m everything else going on in our lives. And, that by finding Him, we would have no other choice but to surrender ourselves to Him in praise, simply because HE IS.

I met Him there. I felt Him with me like I never have before. The most amazing part of it all, is that He met me there in spite of the fact that I came ill-prepared, never even praying much about the details or for grace through it all. I saw Him and He carried me through. It was a longer labor than the last two. A little over 4 hours. But, I can honestly say it was some serious time of growing for me. I have never experienced His grace like that before. HE was carrying me with grace that I was so undeserving of. After all, I am always undeserving!
Meeting Him in those moments is very difficult to describe, simply because it is such a personal experience.

The nurse He provided for me was also amazing. In fact, she delivered Adelynn. The midwife had a major emergency come up and she never made it back until several minutes after Adelynn was in our arms. In fact, the nurse commented that she would never forget us simply because she had never seen anything like that in a labor room before in her 22 years of experience.

She even came to me after her shift was over when I was in postpartum simply to tell me that she was awestruck.

I was still awestruck by the whole ordeal and the combination of it being 2am and I had just delivered a baby I broke down in tears overwhelmed by the Lord choosing to carry me despite the fact I never tried very hard to cry out to Him or prepare my heart for that time. I was also extremely overwhelmed that He would use me to minister to anyone around me during such a trying time. I believe the nurse saw Him there as well and when she asked what carried me through I had a chance to explain my faith and my Savior to her. I also had a brief opportunity to share the same with my mid-wife over the phone shortly after my delievry when I phone in for a question. She also was amazed by the event and shared that she was saddened to not be able to experience it all.

All of these events could only be orchestrated by the One who loves us all.

Now, fast forward to today. I have decided that being a mother of 5 has officially stretched me beyond anything I could imagine. Some days I literally feel like I could lose my mind.

When I do, I feel like He reminds me of those moments I had with Him. Despite my selfishness and lack of always seeking out fellowship with Him, He wants to carry me through EVERYTHING. Moment by moment.

So that has become my prayer.

Surrendered in Praise lyrics by Jeremy Riddle
"In my heart of hearts where these battles rage

My strength it fails. My courage fades.

In my distress I cry aloud to You

You lift my head, and You steel my gaze

You cast out fear, and I'm moved to faith

Surrendered in praise to Your glorious grace, Jesus"

He is the lifter of my head and the lover of my soul.

May He receive all the praise, glory and Honor.