Surrendered in praise

I sit here wide eyed at the computer much too late in the night, but I cannot sleep. My mind has been collecting and processing all day long and it can't seem to turn it off. :-) I have been thinking more about so many different things in life that sometimes I feel as if my head is spinning and my heart is aching to its core.
To tell you the truth, my heart aches deeply. I don't have tears tonight, but I do have pain.

You know the fear of man? I am learning daily how to run to my Father and rely on the Holy Spirit within me to fill me with love, peace and security. He is my Abba, Father. Praise Him for His everlasting arms of peace, security, protection, and everlasting love.

But something challenging has hit me over the past 6 months. I have seen great division within the body of Christ. It saddens me, and I feel it cutting me to the core. It makes me wonder how His heart breaks over His own children fighting. I cannot imagine the depth of His grief as He looks at His chosen, the ones whom He has sent to the world to show His love, tearing each other to pieces. I have seen Him lead me into a greater understanding of the fear of man and how to live free from it, but I have also seen Him lead me and teach me how to love in the midst of an awful situation that points so many lies and accusations directly to my name and sometimes to my husband's name. I feel like I have gotten over that part of caring so much about what other people think, but now I wonder, what does HE think about this all? When I get to the core of it, I know that He grieves.
I have prayed that I refrain from the opportunities to "defend myself" only to add more to the confusion of "so much talk and gossip."
I have begun to feel the pain of the Psalmist as he cry out to the Lord to defend him and the righteous. It is my heart's desire to be in tune with His Spirit and to strive for righteousness, but so often the truth can get so twisted to the point that everyone seems to be confused.

Although I want to cry out at the top of my lungs to defend myself, I instead, however, feel myself surrounded by silence. I cannot speak, because He is leading me to refrain. I listen. I observe. Sometimes I defend in a few short phrases that I pray are filled with kindness and love, but inside I feel as though I am dying. Oh yes. Dying to myself, and allowing Him to come through for me, allowing His Spirit to be at work. Not me.

This is very difficult for me, but somehow I feel as if He is saying, this is love.

And then I remember the cross. The pain, the torture, the sorrow the Son and the Father felt, and the lies that He carried for me... AND I KNOW that it is love. He said very little, even though He could have defended Himself and thrown down a great army for all of the world to see, but HE chose not to. This was His love for us. This is the greatest love we can ever know. No only did He endure those false accusations, but He endured unbearable pain that we cannot fathom. This was love for the world. This was love for me.

I am not at all trying to compare myself to Him, but I am trying to recognize that by the power of His Spirit I have that same freedom to love someone so deeply that it hurts, even though they cut me to pieces. My prayer is that we would take this love to the world and start by learning how to love one another within the body of Christ. My heart aches for this! And, I cannot fathom how His heart longs for His children to unite with one another.

May He show mercy on us for taking His death so lightly as to spend time fighting each other when we should be sharing His love with the world.

And praise God for the painful times in life. Anything that brings us closer to Him is well worth the journey.