Knowing Him.

Just some thoughts about what I am walking thru... That's just what they are folks....thoughts. Everyday is different for me, some are good and others are more difficult. But really, isn't that life in general?

I know that I have many, many people who are praying for me, have shown me love, compassion, and have even come to serve me and our family by cleaning, cooking and picking up kiddos. I am so incredibly grateful for that! What I have never had to walk through before are the MANY opinions of people telling me what is causing this...those I really don't mind. It's the "other" assumptions that people make about my "problem."



"You somehow did this to yourself."



"You are stressed out."



"Your house is always too clean...you must be stressed out."



"You have to keep up with too many kids...you must be stressed out."



"You somehow didn't give all of your worries and stress to God, and now look what's happening."
I cannot imagine the pain of losing a loved one and another believing brother or sister looking me in the eye and saying: "You didn't have enough faith." Or, "You must have some sin in your life that caused this." It hurts now and it would be multiplied a thousand times if I was facing the loss of a life dear to me. I have heard of this happening before...



but I have never had to face this. This is a whole new level of testing for me, and I will be honest in saying that I need prayer in this matter more than I need prayer for physical healing or strength. Once again I am tested with "the fear of man" vs. the fear of serving, trusting, and KNOWING my God.

Sometimes I really want to yell back: "Oh yeah! If that's the case...that somehow I DESERVE this for doing or not doing something right, getting stressed out, etc....then shouldn't we ALL be living completely miserable lives, tortured day after day by never-ending pain!!!"



Like somehow our relationship with our Heavenly Father is based on WHAT WE DO. Now, that would be scary. I am still learning how to reply to these people...is it with silence, a smile, or should I pour out all of my thoughts for them to see? I guess that brings me to another lesson that I learn over and over again, day after day...

Relying on the Spirit.



The flip side of the picture are the people who encourage me and remind me of all of the awful and terrible things that someone else is going through. You know, to make my picture look easier, and my load seem lighter.



I'll be honest. That doesn't always help. In fact, through the pain, I sit and think sometimes only of how terribly miserable I am. Yes, I am being honest.

Sometimes I feel as if I am in a complete cloud of pain and cannot focus on anything else. I just want to shut everyone else out.


After reading The Heavenly Man, the story of brother Yun, I began thinking about this specifically. He was tortured beyond recognition at one point in his suffering, but you know what? Not once did he communicate that he just thought about all the other people suffering, or those that were worse off than he was. Not once did he put into writing that comparing himself to other people made him feel better.



He chose only to focus on Christ and meditate on His Word.


Despite the pain that his physical body endured, he was given a beautiful opportunity to commune with the Lord in a most intimate way. He looked to Him for every breath and thought. He even pointed out at one part in his book, during the years he was released, that he missed that intimate communion. He also pointed out that at one time during his release that his heart had grown cold to listening to his Savior simply because he didn't have to rely on Him for the very basics of life.

I do know that there are hurting hearts and bodies far worse off than I am. I do know that. But to me, when I think of that, I feel as if it's like putting into my heart and mind a "quick fix" of comparison. The fear of Man- comparing my circumstances to other's. That doesn't fix it for me.


It will not help long term. It will not bring me true peace.

And, like I said, it may not even help in the moment.



I want to learn through this trial, not how strong of a person I am...
Not how self controlled I am by changing my diet to look more healthy...
Not how to make my life less stressful...


I want to know Him.


That is the only thought that can truly bring me peace and comfort.

I also fully believe that knowing Him is really what everything my life is all about (trials and triumphs) from His point of view.
Now, that does bring me peace and comfort.
He will provide for my life, exactly what I need to intimately know Him.

And, to me, that's really the only reason to be thankful for pain.