Doctor's Appoinment, wacky dreams, and peace that passes all understanding.

Well, I certainly find myself feeling better with each passing week. That has been a HUGE blessing. I still have times of pain/fatigue/tingling, etc., BUT the times are becoming less frequent, and typically do not last all day-Praise God! Typically, I have pains at the end of the day and into the night...you know, after I have spent the whole day chasing kids, loading laundry, etc. I am sure every stay at home mom is sore at the end of the day. It actually occurred to me that sometimes the pains can feel like the "growing pains" I got as a child, although multiplied by 10. I used to get those pains so much as a child that they would keep me awake for hours at night. What are those anyways? And, if they are "growing pains," why did my 6 foot 7inches tall husband claim that he had no idea what I was talking about? Getting off track...

Anyways, I have spent more time at the doctor's office surviving tests and answering questions. And, I still have some appointments ahead of me. I keep being told to plan on having frequent appointment(s) in the year(s) to come. Last week I went through a nerve conduction test/muscle testing. Basically, they shock every peripheral nerve in the body to see how they each respond. And, if they don't respond as expected they can know that there is damage to that particular nerve. Of course, with all of the pain I have experienced in my arms, I was not shocked (had to throw that in there) to find out that I have nerve damage in both arms. And so, the doctor specifically said that if it is an autoimmune disorder attacking those nerves, it may take some time to diagnose. He stated that MS as well as Lupus was a concern. He also stated that in order for the nerves in my arms to be able to heal, I needed to take care of them and not do too much lifting, or apply pressure on them. This is amusing to me as I am not sure how I am going to pull this one off. But, I know that I can pray for healing. I have been told that nerves do take some time to heal. The most random part of all of these pains and sensations is the ability for the pains to spread all throughout my limbs. Last night, at the end of the day my right leg was so stiff that I could barely move it, and today it is as if nothing was wrong with it only hours ago.
I pray for healing, but more than anything I want to see His will be done, and I want to learn to trust Him with everything that He has given to me endure at every moment and every passing day, no matter how confusing the signals may be. I do not want to fear words like MS or Lupus, I want to give them to Him. I want to trust Him, completely.
His love is so deep and so wide, that I know whatever He plans for my life will be perfect. His Word has been like oxygen to me over the past weeks/months, and I continue to see Him reveal Himself to me in ways that I had not experienced in the past. His grace is truly more than enough.
Last night, I had a dream that I was driving along. I came to an intersection with a stop sign and saw a police car on my left. As I approached the stop sign, I began to feel both of my legs go so numb and dead that I couldn't find the break to stop...I went flying through the intersection right in front of the cop, and of course got a ticket.
This was so amusing to me!
I have feared losing the ability to move my arms, to walk, etc. I have moments of battles in my mind where I FEAR, when I lack trust, when I lack LOVE for the One who has written all of the pages in my life before one of them came to be.

I keep going to this as the Spirit reminds me almost daily: To love Him and FEAR Him. Alone.
Nothing else really matters.
I want to love Him not because of what He has done for me or how comfortable He has made my life to be, I want to love Him because of who He is. I want to learn to rest in the shadow of His wings and find peace through every sorrow and pain, and rejoice in every joyful time- even if those times of joy are full of pain! I want to come to the point where the pain does not phase me simply because I become so wrap up in who He is, not what is happening in my life.
I believe He is leading me to a place that I have never been before. A place that will bring much peace and love. A place that will be an overwhelming blessing.

It seems to me that I am learning more and more that these times of confusion, sorrow, pain and fear are essential for the believer.

My only concern is that for some reason I live in a culture that says it shouldn't be so. I live in a culture that screams comfort is what really matters. I continue to get mixed ideas of the "whys" behind what is happening to me. Does it really matter?

I would say, let it be,
so that we can see more of Him, and less of ourselves. In doing so, we will be with Him in ways we have never experienced before and we will be able to taste a bit more the depth of His love and the richness of His mercy and grace.