Getting comfortable in my own skin.

It's once again the end of another week and I am now feeling the pains of all of the physical activity this week. Everything that I have done has been more than worth it. I am trying to get used to the new sensations I am dealing with and trying to fight off the feelings of pain and fatigue. I am also trying to figure out how to deal with these sensations in public. It is as if I am fully aware of new sensations, but completely uncomfortable in public, wondering if anyone notices- especially when my arms or hands start shaking.

Isn't that silly? If it even makes any sense. I guess it's kind of like getting a outrageous new hair do and wondering what everyone thinks of it.
It all comes down to something marking you as different, and you still trying to get used to the whole idea. It does sound silly, but there have been many times that I feel uncomfortable just because I am trying to force myself to feel normal in public places.


It's also amazing because somehow, in some unexplainable way, the Lord prepared me fully for this journey. One night, during our trip to Puerto Rico, Greg and I sat awake in bed talking about the kids (how much we missed them!) and talked about the celebration of our 9 years together. We talked about the past laughing about some memories and looking to the future. I remember Greg specifically saying at the end of the conversation: "I have a feeling this is going to be a great year. One of our best ones yet."


As he said those words, the Spirit tugged at my heart. I felt a whisper of: "Best does not always mean easy or painless."
There was a hesitation in my heart. Questions in my head.
Three days later I began to feel like a whole new person. Fighting pain and feelings I have never felt before.


I have constantly asked: "How can I just wake up one day to all of this?!?"

And so, once again I am reminded of the song by Jeremy Riddle that the Lord gave me as I delivered sweet Addie in the pains of childbirth.


"Lift up my head, make steel my gaze
Cast out all fear, move me to faith
Surrendered in Praise,
to Your glorious grace,
Jesus...
In my heart of hearts where these battles rage,
my strength it fails,
and my courage fades
In my distress, I cry aloud to You

You lift my head,
and You steel my gaze
You cast out fear and You move me to faith
Surrendered in Praise.

Only our Heavenly Father can miraculously make something painful into something beautiful. Isn't that so amazingly true! If I were to look back in my life at the times that I felt His presence strong, at the times when I met with Him face to face in a deeper, more intimate way,
those times often included tears, pain, or stress.

Those times miraculously painted a beautiful picture- less of me and more of Him.


I am still trying to trust in Him and Surrender myself to His will in Praise, even in times of restlessness and pain. I am also trying to trust that He knows. Sometimes I fight feelings of anxiousness as I am bombarded by thoughts of fear. Sometimes I just want to know what is going on inside of my body. I want answers, because in my mind answers will bring some kind of strange relief. Then He reminds me that He knows, and those answers will come in His perfect timing.

Thank goodness that He graces me with His presence moment after moment.
Without Him I would be a miserable, self-centered, grouchy person living in pain without a blink of hope.

So this week He has given me another verse to chew on:

"My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from Him.
He alone is my Rock and my fortress,
I will never be shaken."
Psalm 62:1-2

I know that my soul was made to find 100% perfect peace in Him alone, but the challenge for me this week has become: "Is that really what I am searching for- rest in Him alone?"

Not resting in answers to knowing the medical reasons behind what is happening.

Not resting in the fact that if I felt "normal" I would feel more comfortable being social.

Not resting in the thought of: "if only these pains, the exhaustion would go away...then I could have peace.

Resting in Him alone.

I love the usage of "never" in that verse- Only because of His abiding presence and learning to find peaceful shelter in Him alone will I become

Unshakable.